As you see...exhausting. I know...I need to trust that God had a plan and still has a plan...that I did all that I was suppose to do. He did pick ME, to go through this for a reason. Just can't get past some of the guilt...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
if only...
I try and try to not go through the "if only," "what if" thoughts in my head. But the truth is..there are moments where I am completely consumed with them. If only I would have taken that opportunity to go to the hospital and get monitored. What if I made my doctor put me on medicine to prevent contractions, regardless of her opinions ("not medically necessary if not showing signs of contractions"). What if I didn't walk to the bathroom, while on bedrest, but used a bedside cameoed? did I shower too often? The doctor gave me a choice to stay in the hospital (at 20 weeks), if only I listened to her. If only I wasn't so adamant about being home, with caden and my husband. Was I thinking too much about my already born child, and not enough about my unborn children? If only I listened more to my body and hadn't told myself, "tough it out".
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that would be really hard to have all of those things to think about. But you're right, God knows us so well that He knows what decisions we'll make before we make them, and prepares the way for us.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you're seeing how you and your faith are being refined through all of this.
Hang in there. You're doing great. :)
I know you're so busy but wanted a new header, if you want I can make one for you. You could tell me what colors (and what kind of stickers) you like and send the pictures you want on it. You could be as specific of what you like (how you want it laid out, any writing, etc, or as basic as you want). Let me know if you would like that.
You are an amazing mother. You were amazing when it was just Caden and you are amazing now. I am praying for you as you are daily taking these thoughts captive, and I truly believe that God has a plan for you and Phil, and a plan for Caden, and even a plan for your little miracle babies.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine the thoughts that go through your head, but know that you are amazing. I watch you being the mother of these 3 boys, and I am consistently encouraged by the love you have for your family, and the faith you have in God.
I love you and your family, and I am so glad I get to be around you guys. As these thoughts and feelings will come and go, and they will ease with time and prayer and just struggling through them, always remember God CHOSE you to be the mother of these boys, and he is going to do great things through your family. He already has!
Love Ya!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I felt some of this guilt with Damon as well. I can kind of relate. You are amazing! You should know that. Your boys are so lucky to have you!!!
ReplyDeleteShawna, you made me teary with that one. Boy can I list a few "what if's" of my own. It's all part of the motherhood job, although you've been given more than your share in a short amount of time. The doubt about what to do in a given circumstance will continue as long as there are circumstances. Lucky you, you have the Holy Spirit for help. Even luckier for all of us, we have Jesus to forgive us for the times we choose incorrectly (and we will, we will). So, get your head around the "you are a great mom and were selected to be the mom of those wonderful boys by the God who created them" and leave all the negative "looking back" at the foot of the cross. Can't wait to meet the whole family this summer! -Hannah
ReplyDeletetyping thru tears.......
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed we have our own "what if's" and "if only's" - I have my own in regards to my planned home-births that went c-section. But, you've got the answer. God knows. And the more we doubt, the more we are taking away from our trust in Him. Let it go. It won't do anyone any good to continue........
But, thanks for sharing. Your realness, your transparency, your truth, your family. Remember, we are only in a moment of time - how fabulous the Big Picture is! <3
Still Praying.
The battle of the mind is a tough one - As a mom as well I to have a lot of guilt - My favorite verse is Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths. Be encouraged that your sweet boys were born at the specific time for a reason. God knew every decision you would make while pregnant with them. God will give you the strength to overcome these thoughts of what if - remember we cant change the past but God holds our future! Hold fast to Him who loves you all and made them exactly the way they are and the way you are. Prayers for you all.
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