Conflicted

I've always struggled with being completely honest about my feelings and being true to my heart. The whole idea of being vulnerable and transparent was so foreign to me. Wearing different masks was a defense mechanism; a way of dealing with hard situations. If I talked about it, it was real. If it was real, it hurt.

My dad died my first year away in college...I was 20. I used so many masks, all of which had a smile on them, to get through the next few years of my life. It wasn't until I met a good friend in San diego, that I was really aware of what i was doing and how that was going against everything God wanted for me. I didn't want to heal from the hurt, because to get there, I had to hurt more. I didn't want to talk about all the baggage I was holding on to, because I didn't want to impose on other people and have them feel obligated to help the "little weak one".

Let me fast forward...After some counseling, love from good friends, and a desire to move forward, I started to take off those masks and reveal my true heart. A heart that felt pain, shame and so much more. My friend showed me and poured into me God's truths. I learned how valuable it really was to be vulnerable and true to who you are. I realized during that journey that I was not alone. Everyone has hurt and pain and how is one to know that if you don't let it be known. How is one to pray for you specifically, if you always hide under a mask. How are you to help others if you don't reveal the truth (which could be the very thing that helps that person).

All that to say...I'm conflicted. I have grown so much in this area, but still struggle at times. God has brought me on this journey of being a preemie mom and I have SO many emotions that carry me through it. My goal is to be real and portray my true heart. A heart that gets and feels angry, frustrated, finds joy and laughter, bitterness, resentment, regret, worry, happiness, love and so on. With that said...I NEVER want to come across as if I'm complaining and whining as I walk through this journey. Through all those emotions mentioned, I still stand strong and still press on not because of my own doing, but because someone (God ) bigger is holding me up. I am blessed with people around me that constantly show me God's love and speak His truths in my life. If it weren't for all of you, and God himself, I would be a complete disaster. I would let the spirit of resentment and worry and anger get a hold of me and direct my steps.

So I'm trying to find that balance...to be real and honest without whinning and complaining underneath it. Forgive me if I've ever come across ungrateful. Still a work in progress...