Croup

Caden was sick for 2 weeks...high fever, throwing up, croup, etc. etc. Seemed to never go away. Then...xander. It felt like over night he started breathing heavily. No real warning signs. I went to work on Thursday and then came home to find him breathing so hard that his stomach was retracting and the area around his clavicle bones and neck were sunk in with each breathe. At that point, I knew we better go to the doctor. The nurse assumed the doctor would send us to the hospital because Xander needed steroids that only the hospital could administer. So we went and spend 2 days there. After the meds kicked in, he came to life again..so to speak. He had more energy. With more energy, left mom with less energy. It was hard keeping him entertained in a sterile room with no toys or gadgets for him to play with. So...it was either in my arms or in his cage (what I suppose was a crib but looked more like an animal cage), and he didn't like it in his crib.
Thankfully, he is home now and doing much better. Fever is gone and cough is gone. Now we are praying that braxton doesn't get it...Thanks for your prayers and support. I'm praying it's not a long winter.....

Forgiveness

Is it a concscious decision? Is it a physical act? How do you go about forgiving someone that has hurt you or done wrong? Questions I have been pondering. I am not one to hold a grudge. I think it's counterproductive and a waste of time. SO the opposite of holding a grudge is to forgive and let go. But it's not always that easy.

I can't forgive alone. God has to come by my side and help me. I have to trust that He will restore my heart. The hurt might still linger, but the freedom of forgiving is so powerful. Forgiving is against our nature...as humans we are evil. Mean. But by faith, and trusting in God we can do it. What if I get hurt again...by the same person. By the same thing? Then...I forgive again. It's worth it to me...to take risks rather than to live alone without or neglecting deep friendships.

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Our God is a forgiving God-- we are called to obedience and forgive as well.

So forgiving others is hard....but doable, with time and prayer. And once it's done, it's like a ton of bricks has been released from your shoulders. Now you can work on restoring the relationship. It may be slow...but I believe the bond will be stronger.

What about forgiving yourself...?

Philippians 1:6
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns

This blog was/is intended to be the raw truth of living this life. I am struggling in the area of forgiveness....but not forgiving others. Forgiving myself. I put a lot (A LOT) of blame on myself for what happened August 18, 2009. My little boys were born 16 weeks early, that's 4 months! They were born with their eyes still fused shut and their skin paper thin. They were born with holes where they shouldn't be, lungs barely developed, and brains that were bleeding.

Dealing with forgiveness lately--forces me to think about forgiving myself. Or maybe there isn't forgiving that needs to take place. Because maybe it wasn't my fault in the first place (so I've been told) Nevertheless...there is healing and restoration that needs to take place. I'm a work in progress...and ready to make some huge strides in these areas.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

"is it xander.."

The last couple days Caden has been saying, "is it Xander..." "is it Braxton....". I didn't have to think very long to realize why he was saying this. Both the boys, Braxton and Xander are now mobile. They are both crawling and using furniture, toys, each other (not the best strategy...gets pretty ugly) to pull to a standing position. It makes Caden take a second look to see which is which. He bends down low and looks at their face then confirms to me..."it's xander". :0) Its very cute.

Makes me excited that Braxton is closing the gap between him and his twin. THey are both falling behind, developmentally in other areas. But nevertheless, the gaps are closing. We...they....are making progress. Thank God.

14 months old (10 months adjusted)

Hard to believe how far my little men have come. They are 14 months old today....but still wearing 9 month clothing. Since they are former preemies, they will be smaller. However, I think we just produce small kids. Look at us...we aren't necessarily giants. Caden is 2 years old now and in 12-18 month pants still. (truth be told 18 months falls off of him most of the time).

Twins will go to the doctor this week to get their flu shot and their synagis (sp) shots. I am curious to see how much they are weighing. My guess is 17 pounds. However, they were sick throwing up yesterday--hope that doesn't set them back too much.


....TBC....

Nanny

Looks like it's official. Phil and I hired a nanny last week. We have been SOO blessed this last year, with help from friends and family. People would come over to assist with taking care of the babies and caden, people would help with laundry and make sure the dishes didn't get stacked too high, people just happily served our family. IT still amazes me--and I have learned so much about the importance of serving others.

As the year crept a long, the help got slower. As expected....people can't dedicate their whole lives around the carmona clan. I would never want that either. My mom comes on Tues/Thursdays and phil's mom had been coming on Mondays. That left three/four days a week (cuz phil works all week) where I was at home by myself. Yes..it is doable. However, nothing else was getting done. The laundry room was soo congested with smelly dirty clothes that you couldn't even access the garage. The dishes would pile so high, they took over the kitchen counter. The floors (because they are wood), were soo dirty, the babies had black toes while they were cruising all over the house. NOt to mention bills, mail, planning for my class, taking care of myself (a shower), taking twins to their appointments, cooking dinners, picking up toys, putting clothes away, trash, etc. etc. It is HARD HARD HARD caring for my boys by myself.

So after some time I have come to realize that this isn't a short season in my life. We need some permanent help. My pride was knocked down and I am humbling myself to get the help that is really needed and thankfully available. So we welcome Stephanie; A student at Loma Linda, who has a BA in child development and now going for MFT. She will be with us Mon/Wed/Fri. She started last week and she was awesome! She not only was fully engaged with the kids, but she helped me with the chores. She's sweet and outgoing and i can tell has a lot to offer. After some time, I pray I can trust her enough to leave a kid or two with her so I can have more play dates out side the house, or maybe just go grab an hour of alone time, etc. Caden also needs some one on one attention these days....can't blame him.

I look fwd to this transition...I know it will decrease some of the nasty tension and gloomy feeling that often lurks in this house.

Your prayers are definitely welcomed-- trust is a big big thing for me. I want to be able to feel relaxed and comfortable while Stephanie is working with us.

wash your hands! (pls)

Here we go again...flu season is peeking it's ugly face around the corner (or is he here already, lurking in my house...i don't know). I do know, that I am getting a cold and it's a huge reminder of what this season brings: antibacterial wipes, Clorox sprays, hand washing, purel all over the house (okay it's already there now, but being a bit neglected).

The boys are still susceptible to RSV, which is a serious (Can be deadly) form of a cold that really hits the respiratory system. Any cold they get can become very serious; we were told until they are 2 years old adjusted, that we need to take precautions in avoiding getting them sick. Starting this month (which reminds me I need to make that appointment) they will get their synagis shots which will help them avoid RSV.

I am going to have to be germ Nazi again. If I have guest over they need to wash their hands first thing. I hope my friends and family understand, too, when I ask them not to come over if they have any cold symptoms.

This last year we have stunned the doctors; or I should say Braxton and Xander have. Our boys never once had to go back into the hospital. This, according to the doctors, is rare. Usually the boys go back once or twice because they got a bad enough cold and it turned into pneumonia. The boys have gotten sick, but praise GOD it hasn't been anything serious. I would like year two to be the same.

Thank you for helping me with this goal :)

Caden's birthday party

We had a small family gathering at our house to celebrate Caden's 2nd birthday. He was SUCH a good boy, despite the no nap and tons of sugar. You could tell he truly understood this day was about him; however, he didn't seem to take it all to his head. He definitely felt the love...that's for sure. Thank you everyone for coming and making him (and his parents) feel so special!

Here are a couple pictures from the day's celebrations.

Happy Birthday Caden!

On this day, TWO years ago, you entered this world. You and mommy layed in the hospital for a little over a week trying to help you stay inside me. You really weren't suppose to be here until election day, November 4th. After a month of medicine, IV's and bed rest, God decided it was time for you to meet your mommy and daddy. The nurses were all worried that you would have to go to the NICU, because supposidly boys are weaker at birth than girls when they are born early. So the NICU nurses stood in our room to check you out. At 35 weeks, you were acting as tho you were born full term; you had all the requirements in order to go into the "regular nursery". I knew you would be okay..... After all your name means, "warrior"! :)

And that is what you have been these past two years. You have endure a lot of change in your short little life. Thankfully you have transitioned into being a big brother and having to share mommy and daddy's attention quite well. YOu definitely have some "terrible 2's" moments. But if that is what terrible twos look like, I'll take it.

here's a brief list of some of the things you are doing now:

-if you ask, "how old are you going to be?" You will say, "me 2".
-You are counting to 4
-you know all your basic colors. You can say them in sign and identify them.
-you are well on your way to knowing many of your shapes (thanks to the iphone kids apps).
-your favorite cartoon right now is Curious George. You request to watch it every morning right when you get up. (thankfully we DVR it). " Watch Curious George please," is what you say.
-you love to play with different kinds of balls. You are learning to catch and throw like a pro! (so I may be biased)
-you like to "tackle" your brothers, especially xander. You are learning to be gentle
-you are still a very picky eater. But lately you have eaten green beans and carrots! whoo hoo!
-everyone is pretty impressed with your ability to sign and use your words at such a young age. And clearly.
-during prayer time, you love to pray for people. You say, "who else". I say a name. Then I say, "who else" and you say a name. Its very cute and shows what a HUGE heart you have!


Thank you for all the wonderful memories these last two years. You are truly a gift from God and such a blessing to me and your family! I love you with all my heart, (clear past heaven!).

Happy birthday bubba!