A trip to Holland

Having a child born prematurely
is like planning a trip to Italy, getting of a plane and landing in Holland.

"But I don't know anything about Holland!I don't want to stay!" you say, but you do stay.

You go out and buy some new guidebooks, you learn some new phrases, and you meet people you never knew existed.

The important thing is that you are not in a filthy, plague infested slum full of pestilence and famine.

You are simply in a different place than you had planned.

it's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy, but after you catch your breath, you

begin to discover that Holland has windmills.

Holland has tulips.Holland has Rembrandts.'

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy.

They're all bragging about what a great time they had there, and for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's what I had planned."

The pain of that will never go away. you have to accept that pain because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

but if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

author: Carol Turkington

Happy Mother's Day! This made me really appreciate what I have and where I am at. IT's a great perspective to have when your plans don't go your way. My life isn't what I thought it would be. My dreams as a mom have changed. But everyday I learn to appreciate my journey and thank God more and more for the path he is taking me on. I grieve my pregnancy on a regular basis. I never really felt my boys play in my belly. The traumatic birth, the exhausting NICU visits, the wires, the beeps, the scares, All which I never wanted. Through it all, I have grown. I have learned so much. I am more patient. More loving. More understanding. I am a work in progress... learning to be even more patient, loving and understanding.

convertible

I was driving behind a red convertible today. For about 5 miles I watched as the two young girls danced and sang to their loud music and laughed as their hair was bouncing in the wind. We were in traffic...but that didn't seem to bother them. They were in a convertible. With the top down! It looked as though they were driving the the beach. hmm...must be nice.

I couldn't help but feel envious. jealous. It reminded me of myself...it was only a couple years ago I was doing the same thing. Made me really miss those days.

Then I get home and see my baby boys. As soon as I walk in the room (the second xander sees me) he smiles so big it brings me to laughter. I pick him up and playfully kiss him. He wouldn't stop giggling out loud. He laughed so hard that his little shoulders bounced up and down. I laughed.

I quickly forget about my jealous heart and thanked God for the life I lead now. Not to long from now, my boys and I will be laughing and dancing to our own loud music, as we drive to the beach. :)

therapy pictures

Sensory integration

They weren't too sure at first...then really enjoyed the rice.










































caden enjoyed it even more!

bye bye BPD clinic

The last words I heard after leaving this week's appointment was, "have a nice life". Mr xander is cleared from the BPD clinic. [Bronchopulmonary dysplasia involves abnormal development of lung tissue. It is characterized by inflammation and scarring in the lungs. It develops most often in premature babies, who are born with underdeveloped lungs.] After going to the BPD clinic every month for 4 months, they feel he is doing well enough to be "discharged" from their services. Yes, his lungs are still fragile and still developing, but he does not need to see the pulmonary specialist anymore; his pediatrician can take care of all his health needs from this point on.

He is weighing in at 13 pounds...the dietitian thought that he was making good progress, however, he is still close to following off the growth charts. So she has decided to increase his calorie intake to 27 (My little chunker, braxton, is still at 22).

All in all, This was great news!!

A Loud and BUSY day

At last...I sit on my bed. Silence. Solitude. And it's only 5:45pm. Mr. Mac and Miss Cabernet Sauvigon accompany me, as I try to break away from the madness (and I mean that in all it's entirety).

My day started out good...I got plenty of sleep, got up to feed the babies around 4:30 and even managed to do a workout video. I vacuumed and even did a load of laundry. And then it starts.

Dad leaves for work today at 7am, caden is cranky and bored. AND Sick. green snot dripping down his nose is not a pretty sight. I quickly tell him (in the most enthusiastic voice I can conjure up), "why don't you go outside and play with your bubbles". NO more persuading needed after he heard the word, bubbles. Meanwhile, while I'm rocking (more like jolting because that's what he likes) braxton to soothe him, and making goo goo, gaa gaa faces (it's no wonder I am no longer fluent in English.) at xander to keep him from screeching, caden has quietly come back in the house and managed to pour a bottle of water all over the floor. I get it cleaned up. When I'm putting the towel back in the dirty clothes, I hear, "splash". He poured the rest of the water out. I was sure I put the bottle far enough away from him.

Needless to say, my house was loud today. The Crying, The conversations, more crying, tv, teacher's voice, not to mention the voices in my head saying, "remember to call the PT/OT doctor, oh and remember to follow up with the insurance company. Don't forget to call the pediatrician to get that referral processed." No, I never got to those phone calls. EVEN with my friends here helping (thank you by the way!), I wasn't able to take time to make my calls. The good news is, they will still be there tomorrow.

by the way...Braxton now has a runny nose. Poor guy can't breathe. This makes for a very fussy baby. A runny nose AND teething. Loads of fun.

2pm rolls around and the babies are still not asleep. Rocking, singing, making faces. Even tried doing exercises with them in an attempt to tire them out. 3 o clock, phil walks in, and of course all I want to do is hand over the babies and say, "here. your turn." But I can't. He's still working. I watch him walk up stairs, thinking, "you are so lucky!" 4 o clock, 5, and now almost 6, I can still hear them downstairs crying as I sit here typing.

I managed to cook a quick spaghetti dinner, take the trash out, pour the bottles. Phil walks up behind me and asks, "is everything okay." The answer...no. It was such a LOUD and BUSY day.

I'm blessed to have a husband that cares so much. As a result...here I get to sit. alone. :)

xander's eyes

Xander had an appointment at the end of may, to get his eyes check. However, he has a small cyst on the side of his eye (near eye lid) that looked like it was getting bigger. Per doctors orders, I called and made the appointment for an earlier date.

Monday we went and the doctor ordered a c/t scan to make sure it was a cyst and nothing else going on there. (she's pretty sure it is). For the c/t scan they have to sedate him....that word scares the heck out of me, because of his experience in the NICU. IF you remember, when he got his MRI, he ended up coding (and what that means, is they had to do CPR on him!). He was still on the oxygen and not as strong as he is now...so it might not even be an issue. However, it also could have been that he was allergic to the sedation medicine. I will, of course, inform the radiologist of this and if I have a choice, I would rather have him intubated for the procedure. In the NICU they have the doctor, RT, and the nurse all right there to help in case of an emergency. In the lab...not the same set up. The thought of putting a tube down his throat makes me sad...but not sure I want to risk the other issues.

On a better note...his eye sight is great! He is seeing just as if he were full term baby! So the doctor doesn't want to see him for another year! :)

yeay!!!

recent pictures of the carmona boys

attempting to eat cereal by himself. You see how successful that went!

I love wearing over sized glasses. He did not want to take these off. Needless to say, he got some stares as we were walking around Victoria Gardens (thanks "nelly" for letting me wear your glasses!)

GG's weekly visit. She is in love. Can you tell. :)

My attempt at taking a shot of all three. Never seems to really work out. I need an assistant.

Braxton's new love. His fingers.