It's crazy to me, to think that before the twins I loved watching the TLC shows "Baby story, " "Bring home Baby, " etc. All the new mommy/pregnancy shows were entertaining to me. Even brought tears (happy tears) to my eyes.
After the twins, is it not only hard to watch those shows, but to even have a pregnancy convo with a new mommy, or even talk story about pregnancies is difficult. I understand this is "normal"....but TWO YEARS later!?
My boys birthday is around the corner. The little guys will be TWO! It's blowing my mind....so much has happened in these last two years, making time move so quickly. But at the same time, there's parts of this journey that is moving SO incredibly, painfully slow. Like the grieving/healing from the traumatic pregnancy/birthing experience.
I think about it often....I think about how I got robbed from really feeling my boys play and fight inside me. I will never feel another baby inside of me (unless another miracle happens), so to "go out like that" is paralyzing really.
It's so easy to stay in maintenance mode....surviving the everyday antics of raising three boys, taking care of a house, a husband, etc., that you don't leave room to deal with hurt, sorrow, despair, bitterness, etc that's stored up in your heart/mind. With every week or month that passes that you haven't dealt with the junk in your heart, it's cause for later disappointment and a lifetime of struggle. I'm not really about that.... or at least that's not my goal.
I don't write this for sympathy...i just realize I haven't been true to myself lately. There's a lot stored up in this heart of mine. A lot! And if you are like me....when birthdays or holidays roll around, that junk starts trickling out. I figure, for my families sake and my friends around me, I better start dealing with some stuff before it gets ugly.
So, here's to.....transparency, vulnerability, and healing.
Sorry to hear you are still having those struggles. I understand the -eternal- purposes of trials and growth, but I do wish life didn't have those lasting effects, where something emotionally hurts if you think about it or remember, or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI'm always a listening ear if you need to talk/vent ;)
those shows always made me cry at the end too- when their baby was handed to them (I've only seen a couple episodes though)