Dear Braxton and Xander,
Two years ago, today, I met you through a glass. You were both soo very tiny, so fragile, fighting to take a breathe. Your eyes were fused shut, your skin was paper thin, heat lamps over your bed, your lungs didn't work, you had a hole near your heart, a big tube down your throat, wires in your belly button, machines all around you, you were pumped with medicine to keep your heart going, poked hourly with iv's and needles. You little bodies have been zapped with more radiation in the first few weeks of life than I have had in my lifetime.
Your friends parents will tell them stories about the first time they crawled or the first time they walked. You will hear more about the first time I got to lay a finger on you (literally a finger)....you were already days old. or hold you....you were already a month old. I will tell you about the first time I heard you cry...you were already about 2 months old. I will tell you about the first time you drank milk/had a bottle....you were already 3 months old. Our journey has been unlike any other. I will definitely talk about the first time you got to come home....almost 5 months after you were born. The milestones you have made have made me the proudest, happiest mom in the world. You both continue to thrive and make me so proud.
You boys have taught me the importance of trusting God and through you, I have learned even more that prayer is for real and so powerful. I have learned that without God this journey could have and WOULD have looked very different. You boys are a walking testimony of what God can do when we ask and believe. I pray that God continues to use you in big ways.
August 18, 2009 I met two very fragile little boys who were barely alive. Today I have the privledge of seeing two strong, thriving, healthy, smart, fun loving, sweet little boys that I love so much!
Happy Birthday Braxton and Xander!
Love always,
"momma"
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A Baby Story
It's crazy to me, to think that before the twins I loved watching the TLC shows "Baby story, " "Bring home Baby, " etc. All the new mommy/pregnancy shows were entertaining to me. Even brought tears (happy tears) to my eyes.
After the twins, is it not only hard to watch those shows, but to even have a pregnancy convo with a new mommy, or even talk story about pregnancies is difficult. I understand this is "normal"....but TWO YEARS later!?
My boys birthday is around the corner. The little guys will be TWO! It's blowing my mind....so much has happened in these last two years, making time move so quickly. But at the same time, there's parts of this journey that is moving SO incredibly, painfully slow. Like the grieving/healing from the traumatic pregnancy/birthing experience.
I think about it often....I think about how I got robbed from really feeling my boys play and fight inside me. I will never feel another baby inside of me (unless another miracle happens), so to "go out like that" is paralyzing really.
It's so easy to stay in maintenance mode....surviving the everyday antics of raising three boys, taking care of a house, a husband, etc., that you don't leave room to deal with hurt, sorrow, despair, bitterness, etc that's stored up in your heart/mind. With every week or month that passes that you haven't dealt with the junk in your heart, it's cause for later disappointment and a lifetime of struggle. I'm not really about that.... or at least that's not my goal.
I don't write this for sympathy...i just realize I haven't been true to myself lately. There's a lot stored up in this heart of mine. A lot! And if you are like me....when birthdays or holidays roll around, that junk starts trickling out. I figure, for my families sake and my friends around me, I better start dealing with some stuff before it gets ugly.
So, here's to.....transparency, vulnerability, and healing.
After the twins, is it not only hard to watch those shows, but to even have a pregnancy convo with a new mommy, or even talk story about pregnancies is difficult. I understand this is "normal"....but TWO YEARS later!?
My boys birthday is around the corner. The little guys will be TWO! It's blowing my mind....so much has happened in these last two years, making time move so quickly. But at the same time, there's parts of this journey that is moving SO incredibly, painfully slow. Like the grieving/healing from the traumatic pregnancy/birthing experience.
I think about it often....I think about how I got robbed from really feeling my boys play and fight inside me. I will never feel another baby inside of me (unless another miracle happens), so to "go out like that" is paralyzing really.
It's so easy to stay in maintenance mode....surviving the everyday antics of raising three boys, taking care of a house, a husband, etc., that you don't leave room to deal with hurt, sorrow, despair, bitterness, etc that's stored up in your heart/mind. With every week or month that passes that you haven't dealt with the junk in your heart, it's cause for later disappointment and a lifetime of struggle. I'm not really about that.... or at least that's not my goal.
I don't write this for sympathy...i just realize I haven't been true to myself lately. There's a lot stored up in this heart of mine. A lot! And if you are like me....when birthdays or holidays roll around, that junk starts trickling out. I figure, for my families sake and my friends around me, I better start dealing with some stuff before it gets ugly.
So, here's to.....transparency, vulnerability, and healing.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
the latest
I realize I haven't given you the latest on what's happening in the Carmona house....Allow me to briefly update you.
Caden:
We are finally spending a lot of energy potty training, since he will start preschool at the end of the month. He is all registered to go to the local private preschool near our home. For months now we "dabbled" with the whole potty training thing. But since he MUST be trained for school we are doing mostly underwear. he's doing pretty good considering all the distractions he (and I) have.
He will get hearing aids soon I hope...his speech production seems to be getting more muffled. Doctor checked him out this week and his ears look good. I thought perhaps it was fluid build up from swimming. I think the aids will help him tremendously.
Braxton:
Mr. braxton is becoming more and more independent. He wants to feed himself, walk by himself, etc. etc. He is progressing well, developmentally. He is still about 3 months or so behind his brother, but the gap is slowly closing.
He now signs
*bath
*hi/bye
*more
*mom/dad
*finish
*plane
I hear him voice "mama" too :)
He uses his leg braces still....I need to be sure to put them on him the moment he gets up--but who wants to wear shoes all the time. Sucks, but if it's going to help him stop toe walking then so be it. I'm starting to think there's more going on. I'm thinking there something going on with his hip, because he will often hold his hip when he walks. We are STILL waiting to see the physical therapist....with some health insurance changes, things have been a bit in shambles. Hoping by the end of next week we can get it all figured out.
Xander:
Both xander and braxton are very stubborn....hard headed little boys. This is always a bad thing....i think it has helped xander learn sign a lot quicker. he is determined to get what he wants and we try not to give in unless he signs it. Before (2 days ago before) he would scream and yank on us to pick him up. now he quietly points up and looks at us. It's cute...and helps with the noise pollution ;) We are working on "up please". He knows tons of signs...however only does 1/2 word utterances. He and Braxton will be going to CSDR again this fall to the DHH parent infant program. I know they will make huge strides in language this year. Xander, too, says, "mama" at times.
Xander has a hernia in his private area...so we are going to a specialist to get that checked out. HE often pushes down there and one doctor said "its just a guy thing". we could tell he was uncomfortable....and it turns out it wasn't "just a guy thing!"
In a couple weeks the twins have an appt at the high risk clinic at Loma Linda, where they will have more extensive developmental/physical testing done. They turn 2 AUG. 18th!! Crazy... at age 2 a lot of things change. They don't adjust their age anymore...the gaps that are present are now looked at differently. Not just a "preemie" thing. So we'll see what they have to say. Of course I am already thinking about this appt, but trying to remember that what ever they have to say is not written in blood. They've been wrong before! :)
Mom:
I will be teaching another ASL class this fall at CBU. I'm looking fwd to it, as it gives me a little adult time...a sense of balance from the everyday tasks of being a stay at home mom. Which....as some of you know, can be daunting at times.
Dad:
Phil continues to work hard at his business, RISE interpreting. I'm very proud of him--it has to be a hard task being a dad/husband; trying to balance work, time with wifey, kids, etc. He's doing it... One of my favorite sights is seeing all three boys tackle Phil to the ground and hearing all 4 of them laughing out loud.
till next time....
Caden:
We are finally spending a lot of energy potty training, since he will start preschool at the end of the month. He is all registered to go to the local private preschool near our home. For months now we "dabbled" with the whole potty training thing. But since he MUST be trained for school we are doing mostly underwear. he's doing pretty good considering all the distractions he (and I) have.
He will get hearing aids soon I hope...his speech production seems to be getting more muffled. Doctor checked him out this week and his ears look good. I thought perhaps it was fluid build up from swimming. I think the aids will help him tremendously.
Braxton:
Mr. braxton is becoming more and more independent. He wants to feed himself, walk by himself, etc. etc. He is progressing well, developmentally. He is still about 3 months or so behind his brother, but the gap is slowly closing.
He now signs
*bath
*hi/bye
*more
*mom/dad
*finish
*plane
I hear him voice "mama" too :)
He uses his leg braces still....I need to be sure to put them on him the moment he gets up--but who wants to wear shoes all the time. Sucks, but if it's going to help him stop toe walking then so be it. I'm starting to think there's more going on. I'm thinking there something going on with his hip, because he will often hold his hip when he walks. We are STILL waiting to see the physical therapist....with some health insurance changes, things have been a bit in shambles. Hoping by the end of next week we can get it all figured out.
Xander:
Both xander and braxton are very stubborn....hard headed little boys. This is always a bad thing....i think it has helped xander learn sign a lot quicker. he is determined to get what he wants and we try not to give in unless he signs it. Before (2 days ago before) he would scream and yank on us to pick him up. now he quietly points up and looks at us. It's cute...and helps with the noise pollution ;) We are working on "up please". He knows tons of signs...however only does 1/2 word utterances. He and Braxton will be going to CSDR again this fall to the DHH parent infant program. I know they will make huge strides in language this year. Xander, too, says, "mama" at times.
Xander has a hernia in his private area...so we are going to a specialist to get that checked out. HE often pushes down there and one doctor said "its just a guy thing". we could tell he was uncomfortable....and it turns out it wasn't "just a guy thing!"
In a couple weeks the twins have an appt at the high risk clinic at Loma Linda, where they will have more extensive developmental/physical testing done. They turn 2 AUG. 18th!! Crazy... at age 2 a lot of things change. They don't adjust their age anymore...the gaps that are present are now looked at differently. Not just a "preemie" thing. So we'll see what they have to say. Of course I am already thinking about this appt, but trying to remember that what ever they have to say is not written in blood. They've been wrong before! :)
Mom:
I will be teaching another ASL class this fall at CBU. I'm looking fwd to it, as it gives me a little adult time...a sense of balance from the everyday tasks of being a stay at home mom. Which....as some of you know, can be daunting at times.
Dad:
Phil continues to work hard at his business, RISE interpreting. I'm very proud of him--it has to be a hard task being a dad/husband; trying to balance work, time with wifey, kids, etc. He's doing it... One of my favorite sights is seeing all three boys tackle Phil to the ground and hearing all 4 of them laughing out loud.
till next time....
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