walking

IF you haven't heard....Braxton has taken a total of 7 steps independently. This is really really good. But why am I still frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged by it all....? I've been struggling a lot lately--unspoken of course. So I'm taking a huge leap and about to vomit out what that struggle is. In exchange, I ask for your prayers.

almost 20 months ago (close to TWO years!) my twin boys were born weighing a pound and a half. I have NEVER denied the miracle that happened then and continues to happen. I give God all the praise for the success of their journey. At 6 weeks old, we were asked to "discontinue life support." The doctors all told us that they would be close to what we know as a vegetable. If you know my boys, you know that THAT is not what God had planned.

Xander is quickly closing the gap. He is probably around a 17 month old in gross and fine motor skills. Speech and language is still that of a 4 or 5 month old...but hoping that changes in the next few weeks when we get those hearing aids. cognitively, though, he is a smart little boy. Signing and really trying to express himself.

My time and energy...my sinful worry, is all focused to Braxton. This little boy has made amazing strides. He has always been about 3 months behind xander. He sat independently, later, he crawled later, and now he's walking later. However, his walking strides are not smooth. He has stiff ankles, legs, making it more challenging for him to do this with ease. IF it were up to him, he would choose to crawl or cruise the furniture his whole life. He CAN take steps though...because we've seen it. The physical therapist is ordering ankle braces to help give him a little more support.

On one hand I am SO incredibly thankful that my baby is NOT wheelchair bound, can eat and drink on his own, breathe on his own, cruise around, babble, laugh, engage wiht family and friends, cry, etc. But on the other (dreaded) hand, I see my son as different....I see his frustrations. I see he is left out becuase his brothers are faster and quicker (in all areas: gross,fine,cognitive). It breaks my heart. I start to question everything. Is this a picture of what his school age years will look like? Will he be fighting to "fit in" his whole life? Will he be physically able to be on his brothers sports teams or will he be on the side line cheering with a fake smile? Will xander be in a DHH classroom, Braxton at a different school, and caden at a different school?

I think it's easy and normal to think all these things....to worry about your children. However, I am convicted daily when this happens. My worry is not productive...it's also saying that I am not trusting that God got us this far, He has no plans of dropping us off now. I should know by now that He is not going to rip me off...but like I said...long story short. I'm struggling to trust HIM. i ask for your prayers for braxton, that he can gain the confidence needed to walk (i think this is also part of the reason why he isnt walking). I ask that you pray for his muscles...that they continue to loosen so his steps are fluid. (a year ago he couldn't even touch his toes to his mouth. now he can!) We go see the eye doctor in 2 weeks...his right eye still goes in and I know this can't make it easy to stay firm on your feet either. And lastly, I pray that I can remain faithful and trust that God's got my back. He won't let me down.... And if braxton will have a limp type walk, I pray that God will prepare me for that-- soften my heart to know that "normal" is different for everyone. I know these boys are here for a reason, and I KNOW God will use them for His glory. (he already has)... I still want what I want... when I want. ANother struggle..another blog. a whole other story. ;)


Thank you in advance for your prayers!