It's crazy to me, to think that before the twins I loved watching the TLC shows "Baby story, " "Bring home Baby, " etc. All the new mommy/pregnancy shows were entertaining to me. Even brought tears (happy tears) to my eyes.
After the twins, is it not only hard to watch those shows, but to even have a pregnancy convo with a new mommy, or even talk story about pregnancies is difficult. I understand this is "normal"....but TWO YEARS later!?
My boys birthday is around the corner. The little guys will be TWO! It's blowing my mind....so much has happened in these last two years, making time move so quickly. But at the same time, there's parts of this journey that is moving SO incredibly, painfully slow. Like the grieving/healing from the traumatic pregnancy/birthing experience.
I think about it often....I think about how I got robbed from really feeling my boys play and fight inside me. I will never feel another baby inside of me (unless another miracle happens), so to "go out like that" is paralyzing really.
It's so easy to stay in maintenance mode....surviving the everyday antics of raising three boys, taking care of a house, a husband, etc., that you don't leave room to deal with hurt, sorrow, despair, bitterness, etc that's stored up in your heart/mind. With every week or month that passes that you haven't dealt with the junk in your heart, it's cause for later disappointment and a lifetime of struggle. I'm not really about that.... or at least that's not my goal.
I don't write this for sympathy...i just realize I haven't been true to myself lately. There's a lot stored up in this heart of mine. A lot! And if you are like me....when birthdays or holidays roll around, that junk starts trickling out. I figure, for my families sake and my friends around me, I better start dealing with some stuff before it gets ugly.
So, here's to.....transparency, vulnerability, and healing.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
the latest
I realize I haven't given you the latest on what's happening in the Carmona house....Allow me to briefly update you.
Caden:
We are finally spending a lot of energy potty training, since he will start preschool at the end of the month. He is all registered to go to the local private preschool near our home. For months now we "dabbled" with the whole potty training thing. But since he MUST be trained for school we are doing mostly underwear. he's doing pretty good considering all the distractions he (and I) have.
He will get hearing aids soon I hope...his speech production seems to be getting more muffled. Doctor checked him out this week and his ears look good. I thought perhaps it was fluid build up from swimming. I think the aids will help him tremendously.
Braxton:
Mr. braxton is becoming more and more independent. He wants to feed himself, walk by himself, etc. etc. He is progressing well, developmentally. He is still about 3 months or so behind his brother, but the gap is slowly closing.
He now signs
*bath
*hi/bye
*more
*mom/dad
*finish
*plane
I hear him voice "mama" too :)
He uses his leg braces still....I need to be sure to put them on him the moment he gets up--but who wants to wear shoes all the time. Sucks, but if it's going to help him stop toe walking then so be it. I'm starting to think there's more going on. I'm thinking there something going on with his hip, because he will often hold his hip when he walks. We are STILL waiting to see the physical therapist....with some health insurance changes, things have been a bit in shambles. Hoping by the end of next week we can get it all figured out.
Xander:
Both xander and braxton are very stubborn....hard headed little boys. This is always a bad thing....i think it has helped xander learn sign a lot quicker. he is determined to get what he wants and we try not to give in unless he signs it. Before (2 days ago before) he would scream and yank on us to pick him up. now he quietly points up and looks at us. It's cute...and helps with the noise pollution ;) We are working on "up please". He knows tons of signs...however only does 1/2 word utterances. He and Braxton will be going to CSDR again this fall to the DHH parent infant program. I know they will make huge strides in language this year. Xander, too, says, "mama" at times.
Xander has a hernia in his private area...so we are going to a specialist to get that checked out. HE often pushes down there and one doctor said "its just a guy thing". we could tell he was uncomfortable....and it turns out it wasn't "just a guy thing!"
In a couple weeks the twins have an appt at the high risk clinic at Loma Linda, where they will have more extensive developmental/physical testing done. They turn 2 AUG. 18th!! Crazy... at age 2 a lot of things change. They don't adjust their age anymore...the gaps that are present are now looked at differently. Not just a "preemie" thing. So we'll see what they have to say. Of course I am already thinking about this appt, but trying to remember that what ever they have to say is not written in blood. They've been wrong before! :)
Mom:
I will be teaching another ASL class this fall at CBU. I'm looking fwd to it, as it gives me a little adult time...a sense of balance from the everyday tasks of being a stay at home mom. Which....as some of you know, can be daunting at times.
Dad:
Phil continues to work hard at his business, RISE interpreting. I'm very proud of him--it has to be a hard task being a dad/husband; trying to balance work, time with wifey, kids, etc. He's doing it... One of my favorite sights is seeing all three boys tackle Phil to the ground and hearing all 4 of them laughing out loud.
till next time....
Caden:
We are finally spending a lot of energy potty training, since he will start preschool at the end of the month. He is all registered to go to the local private preschool near our home. For months now we "dabbled" with the whole potty training thing. But since he MUST be trained for school we are doing mostly underwear. he's doing pretty good considering all the distractions he (and I) have.
He will get hearing aids soon I hope...his speech production seems to be getting more muffled. Doctor checked him out this week and his ears look good. I thought perhaps it was fluid build up from swimming. I think the aids will help him tremendously.
Braxton:
Mr. braxton is becoming more and more independent. He wants to feed himself, walk by himself, etc. etc. He is progressing well, developmentally. He is still about 3 months or so behind his brother, but the gap is slowly closing.
He now signs
*bath
*hi/bye
*more
*mom/dad
*finish
*plane
I hear him voice "mama" too :)
He uses his leg braces still....I need to be sure to put them on him the moment he gets up--but who wants to wear shoes all the time. Sucks, but if it's going to help him stop toe walking then so be it. I'm starting to think there's more going on. I'm thinking there something going on with his hip, because he will often hold his hip when he walks. We are STILL waiting to see the physical therapist....with some health insurance changes, things have been a bit in shambles. Hoping by the end of next week we can get it all figured out.
Xander:
Both xander and braxton are very stubborn....hard headed little boys. This is always a bad thing....i think it has helped xander learn sign a lot quicker. he is determined to get what he wants and we try not to give in unless he signs it. Before (2 days ago before) he would scream and yank on us to pick him up. now he quietly points up and looks at us. It's cute...and helps with the noise pollution ;) We are working on "up please". He knows tons of signs...however only does 1/2 word utterances. He and Braxton will be going to CSDR again this fall to the DHH parent infant program. I know they will make huge strides in language this year. Xander, too, says, "mama" at times.
Xander has a hernia in his private area...so we are going to a specialist to get that checked out. HE often pushes down there and one doctor said "its just a guy thing". we could tell he was uncomfortable....and it turns out it wasn't "just a guy thing!"
In a couple weeks the twins have an appt at the high risk clinic at Loma Linda, where they will have more extensive developmental/physical testing done. They turn 2 AUG. 18th!! Crazy... at age 2 a lot of things change. They don't adjust their age anymore...the gaps that are present are now looked at differently. Not just a "preemie" thing. So we'll see what they have to say. Of course I am already thinking about this appt, but trying to remember that what ever they have to say is not written in blood. They've been wrong before! :)
Mom:
I will be teaching another ASL class this fall at CBU. I'm looking fwd to it, as it gives me a little adult time...a sense of balance from the everyday tasks of being a stay at home mom. Which....as some of you know, can be daunting at times.
Dad:
Phil continues to work hard at his business, RISE interpreting. I'm very proud of him--it has to be a hard task being a dad/husband; trying to balance work, time with wifey, kids, etc. He's doing it... One of my favorite sights is seeing all three boys tackle Phil to the ground and hearing all 4 of them laughing out loud.
till next time....
Friday, July 29, 2011
Santa Ana Zoo
My mom and I took the boys to a small zoo yesterday....I'm glad we chose this one as our first attempt vs. going to the famous San Diego zoo. The boys did well, but we only lasted 2.5 hours. They wanted to walk, grab, run, look, etc. We managed to arrive happy and leave happy. I think we can say mission accomplished.
A few pics from the day's fun....
signing "all done" :)
just arriving....Let the fun begin
On a fake jeep
Xander loved the goats...braxton did NOT
Xander was scared at first but cried when we had to get off...
Thank you mom for a fun day and ALL your help!
Oregon: Cremation Vacation
Yes..I said "cremation vacation". This was the token phrase of the week, as we all flew to the Oregon Coast to say our last good byes to my grandma. Her favorite beach was cannon beach...she loved Haystack rock. So what better place to gather for a memorial. It was perfect.
This was also the first trip the 5 of us went on. PHil and I, along with my mom, step dad and step brother trucked around the airport with 3 toddlers, 3 car seats, 5 carry ons, a double stroller, and more. (imagine getting all that through security....) It was intense...to say the least. Getting on the plane, I thought was the hard part; that is until we were IN the plane. It was a lot of work. But well worth it.... Spending a week with my family (32 of us) was awesome! The boys ate it up, as they got tons of attention.
Below are a few pictures to depict the adventure:
Braxton and GG waiting at the airport
More waiting at the airport...
Our condo in Seaside, Oregon (he has a little michael jackson in him)
Xander :)
The condo wasn't baby proofed...this was our attempt. They were up to something before I caught them :)
Holding baby Gus for the first time...my boys LOVE babies
Uncle Andrew walking Xander around the airport. He was awesome help!
Grandma d (my aunt) helping my mom give the boys a bath....what a task.
Braxton and Xander....can't tell me they are not Identical twins!
Caden and Agustus again...he's in love.
Cannon beach...Haystack rock is behind them...
Just hanging out--figuring out the days plans.
Brotherly love on the beach
Notice my hand.... funny.
Braxton and i...wait...is that braxton. Yes, confirmed by looking at another pic. :)
Caden Thomas
What started out fun, doesn't look like it ended that way.....according to Xander's face :)
This was also the first trip the 5 of us went on. PHil and I, along with my mom, step dad and step brother trucked around the airport with 3 toddlers, 3 car seats, 5 carry ons, a double stroller, and more. (imagine getting all that through security....) It was intense...to say the least. Getting on the plane, I thought was the hard part; that is until we were IN the plane. It was a lot of work. But well worth it.... Spending a week with my family (32 of us) was awesome! The boys ate it up, as they got tons of attention.
Below are a few pictures to depict the adventure:
Braxton and GG waiting at the airport
More waiting at the airport...
Our condo in Seaside, Oregon (he has a little michael jackson in him)
Xander :)
The condo wasn't baby proofed...this was our attempt. They were up to something before I caught them :)
Holding baby Gus for the first time...my boys LOVE babies
Uncle Andrew walking Xander around the airport. He was awesome help!
Grandma d (my aunt) helping my mom give the boys a bath....what a task.
Braxton and Xander....can't tell me they are not Identical twins!
Caden and Agustus again...he's in love.
Cannon beach...Haystack rock is behind them...
Just hanging out--figuring out the days plans.
Brotherly love on the beach
Notice my hand.... funny.
Braxton and i...wait...is that braxton. Yes, confirmed by looking at another pic. :)
Caden Thomas
What started out fun, doesn't look like it ended that way.....according to Xander's face :)
Can't wait to reunite again next summer when my cousin gets married.... :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
hearing aids
Finally the twins will get fitted for their hearing aids! Their appt is on July 1st. Unfortunately, after that we still have to wait a couple more weeks to actually get them. But....we are almost there! I can't wait. Then the next challenge will be to keep them on. Any suggestions is welcomed.
Just had their review IFSP meeting this morning and they will continue to go to CSDR in their PIP program.
Caden has not received any info on when he will be getting his aids. I have more phone calls to make to follow up on this one. But he will be having an IEP meeting to receive speech services in the fall, in order to "fine tune" some of his speech sounds. His language is not an issue....so he doesn't need a special day class. He will be attending a preschool near our home in the fall, along with other hearing kids. Hopefully he will have his hearing aids by then. Because I do notice myself speaking louder or repeating myself when there is any kind of background noise.
Making progress.... :o)
Just had their review IFSP meeting this morning and they will continue to go to CSDR in their PIP program.
Caden has not received any info on when he will be getting his aids. I have more phone calls to make to follow up on this one. But he will be having an IEP meeting to receive speech services in the fall, in order to "fine tune" some of his speech sounds. His language is not an issue....so he doesn't need a special day class. He will be attending a preschool near our home in the fall, along with other hearing kids. Hopefully he will have his hearing aids by then. Because I do notice myself speaking louder or repeating myself when there is any kind of background noise.
Making progress.... :o)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Braces
no...not the kind that go on your teeth. The kind that help you walk.
Oh...HI. It's been awhile. 2 months to be exact. It's not like I haven't had a lot to share. My heart is actually pretty full--over flowing to be completely honest. Drowning me in some ways. Buuuut today...I am here to talk about the boys.
Braxton. This little guy has shown SUCH determination. The kid who would refuse to stand and only cruise the couch or any other piece of furniture he could get his hands on, is now walking!! i would now say he is a walker, only because when he walks and he falls down (cuz he does. A LOT), he chooses to get back on his feet vs. take the easy route and crawl. I like to thank Xander (well and OF COURSE God for answering so many prayers in this area) for pushing his twin brother to keep up. Xander is FAST--They are each other's shadow, so Braxton is forced to keep up. He gets so frustrated that he's not as fast, but he is doing his best.
He still "toe walks", which is not good. Mostly his right leg/foot. We've been waiting a month to get back into Physical therapy. Insurance hold ups. Ugghh... very frustrating. But yesterday Braxton got fitted for his braces. Yes, they look just like the ones the infamous Forest wore. Forest Gump that is. The tech. that was fitting him was almost certain the braces would correct his strides to make him walk "normal". This guy has been doing this for 30 years. I have some trust in his opinion/observations. Braxton should have them in two weeks. I know with his courage and determination he will be successful.
Xander. OH xander....my Tasmanian devil. He's my very own Energizer bunny.
He isn't speaking yet (besides using his unique jargon), but is signing between 20-30 words. He is definitely a visual learner, completely benefiting from ASL. It should only be days and he gets to get his hearing aids. I can't wait...his world will change for sure. I'm sure he will still prefer ASL to understand the world around him. At least for a while. We'll see which direction he takes--I predict him to be a kid that can code switch with ease; communicate in ASL and quickly use English when necessary. Xander has this charm about him--and knows exactly when to let it shine. After he smacks his brother in the face, or takes a toy and runs (literally runs) away, as I'm trying to discipline him, that smile...it stops me in my tracks. He's got skills...
Caden. I can't believe he will be 3 in October.... we are currently working on potty training. Even though I'm not spending all my energy teaching him the potty basics, he is doing quite well. (just a min ago he told me he needed to go pee pee). I'm proud of him. the goal is to be completely trained by August when he starts Preschool. He will go three days a week. We are still waiting for hearing aids. It's a longer process for him--I guess since he wasn't already in the system. He would probably do "fine" without them. However his speech is getting more mumbled...not crisp. He isn't able to articulate his words like I think he should. He will have a full assessment by the district and we'll see what the speech therapist thinks as far as speech needs/goals. His IFSP assessment shows that he is about a year a head in language, even with the hearing loss. ALl this to say, he will do fine outside of a signing environment. The twins will continue at CSDR in the fall though.
There you have it. The short (yes this was as short as I could make it) update on the three cutest carmona boys.
As for the rest.
TBC...
Oh...HI. It's been awhile. 2 months to be exact. It's not like I haven't had a lot to share. My heart is actually pretty full--over flowing to be completely honest. Drowning me in some ways. Buuuut today...I am here to talk about the boys.
Braxton. This little guy has shown SUCH determination. The kid who would refuse to stand and only cruise the couch or any other piece of furniture he could get his hands on, is now walking!! i would now say he is a walker, only because when he walks and he falls down (cuz he does. A LOT), he chooses to get back on his feet vs. take the easy route and crawl. I like to thank Xander (well and OF COURSE God for answering so many prayers in this area) for pushing his twin brother to keep up. Xander is FAST--They are each other's shadow, so Braxton is forced to keep up. He gets so frustrated that he's not as fast, but he is doing his best.
He still "toe walks", which is not good. Mostly his right leg/foot. We've been waiting a month to get back into Physical therapy. Insurance hold ups. Ugghh... very frustrating. But yesterday Braxton got fitted for his braces. Yes, they look just like the ones the infamous Forest wore. Forest Gump that is. The tech. that was fitting him was almost certain the braces would correct his strides to make him walk "normal". This guy has been doing this for 30 years. I have some trust in his opinion/observations. Braxton should have them in two weeks. I know with his courage and determination he will be successful.
Xander. OH xander....my Tasmanian devil. He's my very own Energizer bunny.
He isn't speaking yet (besides using his unique jargon), but is signing between 20-30 words. He is definitely a visual learner, completely benefiting from ASL. It should only be days and he gets to get his hearing aids. I can't wait...his world will change for sure. I'm sure he will still prefer ASL to understand the world around him. At least for a while. We'll see which direction he takes--I predict him to be a kid that can code switch with ease; communicate in ASL and quickly use English when necessary. Xander has this charm about him--and knows exactly when to let it shine. After he smacks his brother in the face, or takes a toy and runs (literally runs) away, as I'm trying to discipline him, that smile...it stops me in my tracks. He's got skills...
Caden. I can't believe he will be 3 in October.... we are currently working on potty training. Even though I'm not spending all my energy teaching him the potty basics, he is doing quite well. (just a min ago he told me he needed to go pee pee). I'm proud of him. the goal is to be completely trained by August when he starts Preschool. He will go three days a week. We are still waiting for hearing aids. It's a longer process for him--I guess since he wasn't already in the system. He would probably do "fine" without them. However his speech is getting more mumbled...not crisp. He isn't able to articulate his words like I think he should. He will have a full assessment by the district and we'll see what the speech therapist thinks as far as speech needs/goals. His IFSP assessment shows that he is about a year a head in language, even with the hearing loss. ALl this to say, he will do fine outside of a signing environment. The twins will continue at CSDR in the fall though.
There you have it. The short (yes this was as short as I could make it) update on the three cutest carmona boys.
As for the rest.
TBC...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
walking
IF you haven't heard....Braxton has taken a total of 7 steps independently. This is really really good. But why am I still frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged by it all....? I've been struggling a lot lately--unspoken of course. So I'm taking a huge leap and about to vomit out what that struggle is. In exchange, I ask for your prayers.
almost 20 months ago (close to TWO years!) my twin boys were born weighing a pound and a half. I have NEVER denied the miracle that happened then and continues to happen. I give God all the praise for the success of their journey. At 6 weeks old, we were asked to "discontinue life support." The doctors all told us that they would be close to what we know as a vegetable. If you know my boys, you know that THAT is not what God had planned.
Xander is quickly closing the gap. He is probably around a 17 month old in gross and fine motor skills. Speech and language is still that of a 4 or 5 month old...but hoping that changes in the next few weeks when we get those hearing aids. cognitively, though, he is a smart little boy. Signing and really trying to express himself.
My time and energy...my sinful worry, is all focused to Braxton. This little boy has made amazing strides. He has always been about 3 months behind xander. He sat independently, later, he crawled later, and now he's walking later. However, his walking strides are not smooth. He has stiff ankles, legs, making it more challenging for him to do this with ease. IF it were up to him, he would choose to crawl or cruise the furniture his whole life. He CAN take steps though...because we've seen it. The physical therapist is ordering ankle braces to help give him a little more support.
On one hand I am SO incredibly thankful that my baby is NOT wheelchair bound, can eat and drink on his own, breathe on his own, cruise around, babble, laugh, engage wiht family and friends, cry, etc. But on the other (dreaded) hand, I see my son as different....I see his frustrations. I see he is left out becuase his brothers are faster and quicker (in all areas: gross,fine,cognitive). It breaks my heart. I start to question everything. Is this a picture of what his school age years will look like? Will he be fighting to "fit in" his whole life? Will he be physically able to be on his brothers sports teams or will he be on the side line cheering with a fake smile? Will xander be in a DHH classroom, Braxton at a different school, and caden at a different school?
I think it's easy and normal to think all these things....to worry about your children. However, I am convicted daily when this happens. My worry is not productive...it's also saying that I am not trusting that God got us this far, He has no plans of dropping us off now. I should know by now that He is not going to rip me off...but like I said...long story short. I'm struggling to trust HIM. i ask for your prayers for braxton, that he can gain the confidence needed to walk (i think this is also part of the reason why he isnt walking). I ask that you pray for his muscles...that they continue to loosen so his steps are fluid. (a year ago he couldn't even touch his toes to his mouth. now he can!) We go see the eye doctor in 2 weeks...his right eye still goes in and I know this can't make it easy to stay firm on your feet either. And lastly, I pray that I can remain faithful and trust that God's got my back. He won't let me down.... And if braxton will have a limp type walk, I pray that God will prepare me for that-- soften my heart to know that "normal" is different for everyone. I know these boys are here for a reason, and I KNOW God will use them for His glory. (he already has)... I still want what I want... when I want. ANother struggle..another blog. a whole other story. ;)
Thank you in advance for your prayers!
almost 20 months ago (close to TWO years!) my twin boys were born weighing a pound and a half. I have NEVER denied the miracle that happened then and continues to happen. I give God all the praise for the success of their journey. At 6 weeks old, we were asked to "discontinue life support." The doctors all told us that they would be close to what we know as a vegetable. If you know my boys, you know that THAT is not what God had planned.
Xander is quickly closing the gap. He is probably around a 17 month old in gross and fine motor skills. Speech and language is still that of a 4 or 5 month old...but hoping that changes in the next few weeks when we get those hearing aids. cognitively, though, he is a smart little boy. Signing and really trying to express himself.
My time and energy...my sinful worry, is all focused to Braxton. This little boy has made amazing strides. He has always been about 3 months behind xander. He sat independently, later, he crawled later, and now he's walking later. However, his walking strides are not smooth. He has stiff ankles, legs, making it more challenging for him to do this with ease. IF it were up to him, he would choose to crawl or cruise the furniture his whole life. He CAN take steps though...because we've seen it. The physical therapist is ordering ankle braces to help give him a little more support.
On one hand I am SO incredibly thankful that my baby is NOT wheelchair bound, can eat and drink on his own, breathe on his own, cruise around, babble, laugh, engage wiht family and friends, cry, etc. But on the other (dreaded) hand, I see my son as different....I see his frustrations. I see he is left out becuase his brothers are faster and quicker (in all areas: gross,fine,cognitive). It breaks my heart. I start to question everything. Is this a picture of what his school age years will look like? Will he be fighting to "fit in" his whole life? Will he be physically able to be on his brothers sports teams or will he be on the side line cheering with a fake smile? Will xander be in a DHH classroom, Braxton at a different school, and caden at a different school?
I think it's easy and normal to think all these things....to worry about your children. However, I am convicted daily when this happens. My worry is not productive...it's also saying that I am not trusting that God got us this far, He has no plans of dropping us off now. I should know by now that He is not going to rip me off...but like I said...long story short. I'm struggling to trust HIM. i ask for your prayers for braxton, that he can gain the confidence needed to walk (i think this is also part of the reason why he isnt walking). I ask that you pray for his muscles...that they continue to loosen so his steps are fluid. (a year ago he couldn't even touch his toes to his mouth. now he can!) We go see the eye doctor in 2 weeks...his right eye still goes in and I know this can't make it easy to stay firm on your feet either. And lastly, I pray that I can remain faithful and trust that God's got my back. He won't let me down.... And if braxton will have a limp type walk, I pray that God will prepare me for that-- soften my heart to know that "normal" is different for everyone. I know these boys are here for a reason, and I KNOW God will use them for His glory. (he already has)... I still want what I want... when I want. ANother struggle..another blog. a whole other story. ;)
Thank you in advance for your prayers!
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