"helper" caden

"Here you go Xander"

"hmm...how does this diaper work..."

"no...xander you are suppose to push this to make the noise."

The ZOO

We had the opportunity to take caden to the zoo for the first time. IT was such a great day. Caden loved getting all the attention and of course we enjoyed it too. Thanks to my cousin kirsten and friends Heidi, Darla and Katie for watching the twins, we were able to "escape" for a day. Thank you guys! xo

some recent pics

attempting a brother shot. Caden's mind is on food (as you see him signing it), braxton is practicing his receptive signing skills, and xander is comtemplating sleep.

Just a cute moment with grandma ("gg") and Braxton

6pm...trying to stay awake till bed time (7)

xander doing some reading...(don't mind the baby mullet goin' on)

daddy time

When he's not working, he's being an awesome daddy. His children LOVE him.

regional centers first therapy session

The first visit with regional center went well. The teacher (as they call the early interventionist) was really impressed with their abilities. She will be coming once a week for two hours.

Some of what you see here is tummy time, stretches, sensory therapy, tracking exercises, etc.

I was happy to see that Braxton could roll from his back to him tummy without help! I need to give him more opportunities to do this. Really, she left us with some homework, as she will do weekly. One was to give both boys more floor time and more opportunities to grab things. I struggle with this, because when big brother is around, you can't keep them on the floor. The boys have to be carried, in a chair (with an adult very near by), or in their bed. I'm going to make a point to let the boys do floor exploring when caden is asleep.

We did notice that braxton is more stiff on his right side. So I will be doing more massage on that side. Finding time to do all this will be the challenge. I know it's SO beneficial for them, so we will figure it out.

Conflicted

I've always struggled with being completely honest about my feelings and being true to my heart. The whole idea of being vulnerable and transparent was so foreign to me. Wearing different masks was a defense mechanism; a way of dealing with hard situations. If I talked about it, it was real. If it was real, it hurt.

My dad died my first year away in college...I was 20. I used so many masks, all of which had a smile on them, to get through the next few years of my life. It wasn't until I met a good friend in San diego, that I was really aware of what i was doing and how that was going against everything God wanted for me. I didn't want to heal from the hurt, because to get there, I had to hurt more. I didn't want to talk about all the baggage I was holding on to, because I didn't want to impose on other people and have them feel obligated to help the "little weak one".

Let me fast forward...After some counseling, love from good friends, and a desire to move forward, I started to take off those masks and reveal my true heart. A heart that felt pain, shame and so much more. My friend showed me and poured into me God's truths. I learned how valuable it really was to be vulnerable and true to who you are. I realized during that journey that I was not alone. Everyone has hurt and pain and how is one to know that if you don't let it be known. How is one to pray for you specifically, if you always hide under a mask. How are you to help others if you don't reveal the truth (which could be the very thing that helps that person).

All that to say...I'm conflicted. I have grown so much in this area, but still struggle at times. God has brought me on this journey of being a preemie mom and I have SO many emotions that carry me through it. My goal is to be real and portray my true heart. A heart that gets and feels angry, frustrated, finds joy and laughter, bitterness, resentment, regret, worry, happiness, love and so on. With that said...I NEVER want to come across as if I'm complaining and whining as I walk through this journey. Through all those emotions mentioned, I still stand strong and still press on not because of my own doing, but because someone (God ) bigger is holding me up. I am blessed with people around me that constantly show me God's love and speak His truths in my life. If it weren't for all of you, and God himself, I would be a complete disaster. I would let the spirit of resentment and worry and anger get a hold of me and direct my steps.

So I'm trying to find that balance...to be real and honest without whinning and complaining underneath it. Forgive me if I've ever come across ungrateful. Still a work in progress...

Braxton's eye appointment

Braxton's eye appointment went better than I expected. As some of you know, his eyes are very weak, in that they cross most of the time when he's trying to focus. I was anticipating the eye doctor to be very concerned with this and link it to neurological reason. This wasn't the case at all. She actually said she wasn't concerned because in reality, he is only about 2.5 months old and even full term babies have problems with crossed eyes. Which I am aware of...but braxton's eyes are very crossed. Sometimes it looks like he is looking at the bridge of his nose for a lot of the day.

Me, being mom, has been worried about this (of course). I've been trying to just let it go and pray about it and remember that God has His hands on those little eyes. Every day, I notice glimpse of improvement. He does smile, ever so often, and ever so slight and this is when he can focus on your face. Once he does, it's apparent that he sees you and can be "social". that's something I'm watching too....his ability to socialize apporpriately. It's so hard, because xander is cooing and smiling and is such a social little boy. It's hard not to constantly think of the brain damage that has gone on with braxton, and link that to every little thing I may or may not see in him (ie: focusing, not smiling as much, not tracking, etc.). The truth of the matter is, though, that Braxton could just be on a slower course than Xander. These things he is lacking (compared to his brother), is not necessarily a direct correlation to the PVL (white matter damage).

What's next....Braxton goes back in a month. The doctor wants to see how the blood vessels are doing (this time she didn't dilate his eyes because she didn't see a need), and see how his eye muscles are working. At 4 months adjusted (About April), braxton should have shown great signs of improvement. Please, if you will, be in prayer with me about this for this next month. Worse comes to worse, and it's not a prematurity thing, but he actually has crossed eyes (which is very common among preemies), then they can use glasses, patches, or even surgery.

Thanks for staying in touch with our boys health and development. We appreciate all the continued support!